Does God’s Grace Cover Premarital Sex?

Have you ever wondered how “the sadder but wiser girls” feel when they hear from the pulpit that they are damaged goods, and will never be fit for a godly man to marry?  Sarah Bessey addresses this in her post over on A Deeper Story today. Mosey on over there and read it. It’ll do your heart good.

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About Susan P

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9 Responses to Does God’s Grace Cover Premarital Sex?

  1. jack says:

    It isn’t shaming. It’s pointing out that moral Christian men expect a low-number or virgin bride.

    If you want a good Christian man, you have to offer what he is looking for.

    God forgives, and makes new, but that does not mean that a Christian man is somehow forced to marry you.

    • Jack, I think that you missed the point of Sarah’s blog post. And, why do you stop with pointing a finger at women who have transgressed? Do you think that women have a right to have a virgin groom?

      I think of Jesus in the incident of the woman taken in adultery. (John 8). He did not shame the woman – he simply told her to go and sin no more. Her high and mighty accusers were the ones who were shamed. God actually told the prophet Hosea to marry a whore.

      Jesus embodies a culture of grace. It is a higher calling than the law. Those who live by the law often find themselves in the same predicament that Inspector Jarvert in Les Miserables, who found himself broken by his concept of the law and unable to embrace grace.

  2. jack says:

    It’s not about “rights”. But yes, a woman should expect that her husband has retained his virtue as well.

    For a multitude of reasons, women do not seem to care about a virgin groom nearly as much as men do. But that is because men have different priorities than women do.

    God told Hosea to marry a whore as an example to Israel that they were unfaithful to him. So, not really applicable here.

    I just don’t see why I should marry a woman who gave the best of her time and years to other men, often for pure sexual recreation.

    Sister in Christ? Yep. Forgiven by God? Yep. Saved by grace? Yep. All things made new? Yep.

    But that does not require me to marry a girl with a promiscuous past, nor does it make me unforgiving. Any more than it makes a girl “unforgiving” for refusing to marry a man without whatever attributes she wants.

    Google the phrase “alpha widow” to understand why good Christian men are more often remaining single rather than marry.
    Instinctively, we know that when women are promiscuous, they generally do this with men that are out of their league for anything other than sex. This means that they often think that the men who would have married them are not up to their standards. But this is only because they have used sex to get attention from a higher-status man who would not have paid any attention to them outside of sex. It is no different than an average looking man paying huge dollars for an encounter with a very attractive call girl. It sets tastes and preferences too high, and now the marriageable person is seen as “settling”.

    I won’t be settled for, and thank God, more men are wising up to this daily.

    • I had not heard of the “Alpha Widow” before. Thanks. I can see where that might make you cautious. I believe, though that what Sarah was aiming at was the lack of grace that many women face in these situations. Most of them feel bad enough without having it rubbed in, especially if they have been raised in the church. Also…it’s good to have goals and standards, but be listening for the Still Small Voice just the same. God bless you, brother.

  3. jack says:

    Understood. Please remember also that good Christian men have it “rubbed in their face” when the Christian women they want to date and marry go through a phase of dating non-Christian men, especially just for thrills. But people only seem to care when it is women that are hurting.

    It is not soothing to the soul to know that the wife you are committing to until death do you part went around sexually validating “bad boys” because she was just going through a phase. A true sign of repentance is that someone cares more about the person they have harmed than their own personal sense of guilt. True repentance would mean someone would do anything to make it up to that person, not to tell that person “get over it” or “that’s between me and God”.

    • Jack, I have a younger brother who, in good faith, unwittingly married a woman who had been promiscuous. My brother was (and to an extent still is though he’s married to wife number four) somewhat naive about women. He was in the Army and had just graduated from high school, and she played him. I am sure he is not the first or only one who has experienced that.

      Overall, I have observed that men tend to keep that sort of humiliation to themselves. At least my generation of men did/do. Somehow, men are not seen as “damaged goods” if they have engaged in premarital sex as women are. If you know of any man blogs that address the anguish of men in these situations, point me to them. I only looked and read about four or five. It’s hard to feel compassion for men who have been wounded this way if one has no information.

      I can’t tell you how many times I heard that men who engage in premarital sex get off Scot free while the woman is the one to suffer. And I heard it from pastors and male youth group leaders as well as from women.

      Just to put my words in context, I will be 60 years old next week.

  4. jack says:

    Well, scot-free is somewhat relative.
    It is important to remember that for a young woman to have sex, she need only express willingness, and there will always be a man of the required attractiveness level who will say yes, especially in the college-age groups.

    But a young man cannot get sex so easily. There is growing evidence that around 20-30 % of young men (the “alphas”) get the vast majority of female interest, companionship, and sexual attention. This is hard for many women to believe, but this is because they only “notice” the popular/tall/athletic/outgoing men.

    They call this the “apex fallacy”. Go on the internet and there are dozens of articles about how college women are “forced” to have sex because “boys control the dating market”. But this is only because the women are all competing for the most desirable men.

    Therefore, because so many women are crowding around the most popular guys, the other guys have very little to pick from, and often can’t meet any girl they have something in common with. These women could easily find a good man who would treat them well and not demand easy sex.

    But “nice guys are boring”, so large numbers of women sleep around, and stay on the dating carousel while good men are ignored, and eventually give up.

    Then, approaching thirty, these women “SUDDENLY” discover these good men who have finally got a job and some income, and these women marry them in order to have children.

    BUT UNLIKE my father, grandfather, and great-grandfather, I had to build my life and success WITHOUT the companionship of a woman, because she was too busy giving sex to other men trying to “tame the bad boy”.

    And this is why these promiscuous women are defrauding their husbands. They spend their youth giving comfort and sexual attention to other men, then still insist on being forgiven BUT DO NOT EVEN APOLOGIZE to the men they have wronged, the future husband.

    No, future hubby is required to CLOSE HIS MOUTH, and MAN UP and just accept the fact that she showered the best of her innocence on OTHER MEN, sometimes just for the pure sport of it “tee hee, he’s suuuuch a bad boy”.

    I think these women need to go through a season of the bleakest shame before they are HUMBLE enough to realize the damage they have done, the sins against God, and the sins against their future husband.

    They show no Christian repentance at all. They just want the judgy-feelings to be allll over, so that they can get on with getting what they want.

    I will never marry, because it would be wrong to reward an unrepentant woman with a home, a husband, and children. Me and my six-figure income and house are off limits to them.

    Let them go back to their partners in fornication and demand support and children from them.

    Or, let them repent and ACTUALLY MEAN IT, for once.

    Thanks for listening;
    j

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